On Fitness
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he
would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
them."
On Dieting
"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."
On Personal Hygiene
"Never floss with a stranger."
On Sex
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me
was ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years, my husband
and I slept in bunk beds."
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
On Motherhood
"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he
forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like
having a dog on a leash.”
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't
respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you
ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’"
On the Importance of Laughter
"Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough."
"I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly
funny."
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